you know how sometimes life just goes out to screw you and you're just left sitting there not knowing what to do? and all you want at that point of the time is either to rant or to just have a listening ear but all you get is "advice" from people who think you're just not managing your time properly?

it's not ABOUT time management. it's about everything just coming together in a whole mass that attacks you. it's different. it's about obligations and responsibilities and stuff that'll fill your heart with guilt if you fail to do something or turn up to help or something profound like that, that i'm unable to phrase into great words because i'm too worn out by thinking, even that simple process of thinking, that leaves me with tears on my face.

somehow i hate letting people down. even though it's unintentional and i know i don't have much of an excuse because sometimes i know that when i'm too busy, i know what activities i choose to give up and that makes me all the more guilty. it's the prioritizing that makes me guilty even though i know that's the only way certain things get done. sometimes it's church, sometimes it's guides, sometimes it's studies or friendship...

i think writing this is helping me to calm down. i'm ok. i'm ok. perhaps this shall be my new mantra.

and everytime something crap like this happens to me, somehow i find myself turning to the same source for comfort. and i worry about doing so because it's dependence. but i can't help it, it may not be truly sincere, but it's care. it's concern. sometimes i just need that. i really do. because i just can't comfort myself well enough.

perhaps those whom i've mentioned this too or even read this would wonder what the hell is the big deal about this stuff. it's the responsibility that puts the weight on my shoulders. sometimes i think i have too much of a sense of responsibility, or so some people tell me. i can't help feeling guilty when i let people down, intentionally or otherwise. so i just can't bear to NOT do something that i feel i should do. i'm not sure people will understand. i'm not sure i really understand. perhaps this has just been a crappy week and suddenly everything snowballs together and that's why i'm left feeling screwed up by things that may normally not have such an enormous effect on me.

my great long weekend certainly prepped me up for today, but failed to prepare and remind me of an econs DRQ that was supposed to be done and handed in today...

my sister seemed to get a whole 3 day celebration for her 15th birthday. on friday we went to suntec where my dad discovered the lovely atmosphere and good food of marche and vowed to eat there again, and then on sat, i finally watched a movie since the last time of dec with my mum and sis, and then on sunday my chinese tuition teacher who also teaches my sis brought us to Jack's Place to celebrate my sis's birthday. and in between all this lazing about and having good food, i slept for most of the time. pretty good.

thus forgetting my DRQ and would have forgotten about tmr's maxima and minima tutorial if my classmates hadn't reminded me. i sincerely forgot. Kellie Tan walked out of the class during econs cos she just couldn't take our class anymore. felt a bit bad but also thought she could have been more patient. then again, it's a double edged sword cos sometimes it's really quite hard to be patient with a class that doesn't always hand in work on time and comes late and doesn't answer tutorial questions... then again, i do wished she could have been just that wee bit more patient. like if we had said sorry and she came back.... forget it, i just know we're going to get it from Edna Tan tmr or during CT.

haiz, then went home to prep for my training-dance class. it's this class which combines excercise with dance. like we run for 2 plus k then do weights then learn dance. it was some introductory class where the teacher wanted to try it out so it's really cheap for like the first 4 lessons. i'm almost done, learning latin dance, slightly different from the salsa-hiphop i took in sec 4. it's quite cool... but don't think i'll be continuing with it cos it's quite ex... and it's 2 hours. the instructor kept on telling us not to walk, but to glide. *snorts* i don't see her gliding much, do you.

my horoscope that daily one in the life section of the straits times seems quite on the ball. hmm.. or maybe we're made to think that way. tummy's rumbling, looks like it's yam rice for dinner.

okay, YY has enlightened me. it's cornices. see, i knew it was something along those lines.

learnt how to describe my state: disillusioned.

well, i DID ask for an answer to my prayer. perhaps it'll finally signify an end. i watched my tears fall, soak into the pillowcase... depressed... for a while, and then sought a way to rid myself of the depression. of which i've been using these past couple of days, which may not be a very good solution. i guess it'll suffice for now.

played floorball today. we changed PE teacher so we got Mr Seet. he's really very nice, quite friendly and not as scary as i thought he was. the good thing about floorball is that i can control it better since i hold the stick the same way as right handers but have an added advantage of using my dominant left hand to guide its movements. and i shoot a bloody goal! Mr Seet said it was a spectacular one. :) happy happy cos i like the feeling of doing well in a sport. heehee. we won 2-0. Mr Seet was saying that we were 2 football teams, we were Chelsea and the other team was Liverpool. Quek was Gerrand... haha, quite funny la. then he kept on calling the liverpool team, which he was on, the teammates by the footballers' names. one PE lesson that i really worked out, even more than the tennis lessons. hope the next lesson will be just as interesting.

having bloody headaches and feeling inapt. i think it must be cos things are happening at such a fast pace that my head spins trying to catch up with the rest of the world. it is only when i relax that these headaches go away. grr..

it's good friday tomorrow. it's going to be a full day with qing ming in the morning so must go visit my dad's dad's grave at 7am then going to church for service then going to marche at Suntec to celebrate my sis's birthday for lunch. then i think must start on the Ariel essay. grr. still got another measure for measure essay that was given today. feel like screaming. and just feel so lazy to even start, but you know me, i don't like leaving things to the last minute. it makes me feel so unprepared.

i'm prepping myself up for a good night's sleep that starts right after American Idol's results come up. going to pamper myself in some way. i deserve it.

all for the better good. now... if only i believed that.

back again. realised i made a really stupid boo-boo. oh for the love of God! where are the bloody trees when you need one? but perhaps the whitewash walls give a more satisfying "thud", all the more apparent to spot the red amidst the white in case of bleeding.

feel like stabbing myself. i really hope it doesn't get out. to think me, the absolute greatest in stuff, IS the absolute greatest in screwing things up in my own way. of all days to choose... oh well, what's done is done. it's really hard for me to not care about what people think of me. it's hard i tell you! actually, if i didn't care about what other people thought, i would just go ahead and forget about the incident. but no... can't forget. well, you could hardly blame me since i really didn't know. it was an unintentional mistake. no point beating up self about it.

onward to another issue. i wonder how we'll all turn out in 10 years time. or even 5. by then, our studies would be over and for the guys, almost over. talking about a53 here. or even my old class of loyalty. somehow if i didn't feel so hungry (mum's late again and therefore my dinner's late) i would willingly pursue the issue of who's going to be what. but it's going to be tough so i need brain food for that. MUM!

i'm lucky enough to have semi-early days that allow me to go home early and hit the gym (still can't run for peanuts) and then bum around, at least for monday and tuesday. which is making me guilty but.... heck, AWAY GUILT. i console myself by telling self that i've had a productive 2 days of school since i didn't fall asleep and understood about 80% of everything taught.

good news, know how ceilings have all those cornishes, (is that correct or does it remind you of garnishes so i'm using this wrongly), which are like little slabs of cement sticking out all in the name of design that is lower than the ceiling? my sister has been making me annoyed by saying that i can't jump high enough to touch them while she can and whats more, can also touch the ceiling. well, i jumped on sunday and made it. and still can touch the cornishes. my next goal is the ceiling. ha to her. even though she's the younger, she's taller by 6-7 cm. i blame my inability to jump on my shortness but now i know it can be considered a myth. just practice more often and patience will be rewarded.

i really need my dinner.

the lecture was great. even if you weren't super interested in political stuff, it's worth going. i must say that PM Lee's one of those MPs that actually tackle the questions you ask head on. and boy, is he quick witted. his speech was "The Singapore Elite" and at first, when i saw the banner, i thought it was FOR the Singapore Elite, which i felt sure didn't include me. (i somehow got an invite by chance, haha) and basically, it changed the view of how i always looked at that term. fantastic.

but then going home was a toughie cos it was 1030 and when i actually reached home, the cab driver didn't have change and repaid me almost 30 dollars in 5 dollar, 2 dollar notes and lotsa coins. grr. but i realised NUS is actually quite convenient for me since i can take straight 151.

school started. lit isn't doing well. again. i can't understand curve sketching and i gave a stupid answer for econs tutorial. nothing unusual. so far, i feel like a soldier, no, not those prepared for battle but those weary soldiers who have been fighting eons and hate the war. i wonder how i'm going to survive until after As. thing is, i REALLY really can't remember the math (at least what we've been doing so far cos i just chuck tutorials and assignments to one side after completing the chapter) and you would have thought that the march "holidays" would have given me the time to clear up the doubts about econs, but i failed to muster up the willpower to do so and thus am still lost in terms of NIA and theory of income and employment. (hooray cos there's going to be a lecture test in a few weeks about theory of income).

feeling kinda tired and weary. but somehow peaceful and contented? am i contradicting? not sure how to phrase it, perhaps i'm still in the "holiday" mood. i'm reminded by all the "" about Ixer and his Austin Powers story.

Sonya cut her hair. no more ponytail for me to play with.

and i'm hoping still for one day to lose myself and forget, even pretend...

mhmm... woke up from a deep sleep because it was too hot. :) feeling proud of myself because as of now, i have finished my holiday homework. except i haven't touched econs or the plath essay question yet. okay, finished my holiday homework that's due to be handed up in the first week at least. so proud of myself! especially since i finished the stupid history S question that after i read the essay, felt it made no sense but somehow it just feels good that it's done.

so not looking forward to going back to school. it'll be another 10 weeks before holidays and after that would be common tests! nonononono. mhmm... somehow time seems to pass so fast. but when i'm suffering at the gym it doesn't. okay, just kidding. i'm not suffering there and it's a choice cos i can't run for peanuts.

stomach pain. appetite failing. maybe it's the thought of school, either that i've been eating too much multi-grain and wholemeal stuff that a little bit goes a long way. think that's true, cos multi grain is so filling... try it, it's really good, there's like nuts and seeds in it. chewy chewy. it's going to be my early dinner today with ham and cheese that's toasted followed by soya bean milk. eating healthy. churning in my gut. waited too long, ms-stupid-girl who should have followed what her horoscope said. grr, annoyance at self.

going to NUS again later for NUSS lecture by PM lee. quite excited by that prospect of listening to him talk without hearing it through the television. must wear nice clothes, office wear... look older than 17! oh man, somehow i just can't imagine writing that.

i need to get passion for school.

perhaps passion for life would be easier.

it's really not that hard when life isn't shitty but it's a whole different story when life attempts to screw you over. i doubt you'll find any happiness when that happens. sounds so bitter.

this post is disjointed. and again, i wonder who reads this.

blog again for myself after i come back from the lecture but i think that'll be about 10 plus.

i knew the holidays would instill in me a new sense of the word: addict. coupled with the natural instinct of running away screaming from homework and the dreaded S word of studying, the computer seems like a good escape device. plus my tv which i've vowed to try to put behind me but it isn't really working well.

i'm taking a break from doing my lit comparative essay of 2 sonnets. comparing sonnets is a wee bit tougher than comparing poems even though both are forms of poems. one of them's a w.shakespeare one which i've luckily enough, read before and loved, and for some part of my time, kept muttering the couplet line to myself. such beautiful flowery language, oh, the sentiment. unfortunately, after writing 2 paragraphs, my dad told me that i could use the computer and common sense lost its battle of a 3 pm deadline and here i am.

my dad and sis wanted to go to Sakae today so that meant that i had to finish my average of one essay per day, discounting the fact that thur, fri and sun are no-nos for essays as my plans took up the whole day. i've got piano on thur which effectively means NO time for studies, fri's lecture at NUS which is far far away, and sun's supposed to be spent celebrating my grandma (dad's side) 80th birthday. i thought it wasn't going to be a whole day time but unfortunately my grandma doesn't relish the idea of spending her children's money and insists on something simple. so my aunt says she'll host it and it's going to be a WHOLE day thing at her place. somehow there's a strange feeling in my gut about spending the whole day with guy cousins and concern aunts and uncles prodding me about studies (present and future, yes, there we go again with the higher education), weight, and relationships. feel like an experiment that's headed for failure.

sometimes i just can't understand why i feel like an ugly duckling that's so unloved but now i have a pretty good idea of where my insecurities come from. citing the media and blaming the television is only half of it... blaming the rest of the world for pointing out my physical flaws (or not pointing them out but pointing out the great aspects of others') is another way to go. either that or i'm too sensitive, which i'm already trying not to be. so please, keep your comments to yourself.

anyway, pretty much nothing new to add except that i need retail therapy but lack the money AND the time. and coincidentally, i did have the willpower to finish my russian revolution essay plus do the international trade lecture notes readings with TYS mcqs. i only hope this willpower thing will continue. and i also found out from my friend that she doesn't have school for a week while her friends have S paper common tests. i sneer at the outrage. and cough out blood at the unfairness. but if you ask me, i rather have school than CTs. but i also think not having CTs may not be a really good thing after all. after all, we who lack willpower should be forced to study at some point of time.

i hear my lit calling.

anon.

everytime i reread my blog achives, i'm just so stunned by the extreme emotions of hurt, of anger, of sheer love and happiness that it's frankly quite crazy. hopefully that means i'm quite normal.

had a talk with my mum right after i blogged the last post and we agreed that i'll study in Singapore (provided i cough up the grades) and hopefully do well enough to go on an exchange trip for one semester. i guess i can see the downsides of going overseas, so it looks like sunny Singapore for me for a few more years i guess. since that's kinda settled, i guess it's time to turn to the real issue at hand: of studying away the days of youth. well, we all know that's not really what's going to happen, but for now i'll be contented to stay in my lalaland. this will be the last of my worries about grades/higher education that i'll be posting. at least for a while.

i was all ready yesterday to go out there and be independent and woah, just heck care everyone. kinda like living my life the way I wanted to, and not based on what others wanted me to do, but today suddenly making it big in life just doesn't really seem to be a top most priority. that's for today. tomorrow i might have the craving to be a rock star. so just ignore me.

i seemed to be getting the opposite of what i want. something emotional VS something physical. when i want the emotional, i don't get it and vice versa. and no, there's nothing dirty or screwed up thinking in what i've written so get your mind outta the gutter! oh well, feelings are a complex thing. you know, after everything's said and done, i feel ready to leave everything behind because suddenly things become less important and i no longer feel like i'm going to cry over it. but like i said, that's just for today. i'll probably react with horror tomorrow at what i've written.

can you believe that the last time it was march hols i was happily planning for my J1 year and hoping i'll get posted back to VJ? now, it's such a different situation. time really flies.

memories may fade but they won't fade to the extent that they're lost completely. because if you make an effort to remember them, you just can't lose them.

and i know how busy some of my friends are, prepping for common tests after hols, which i am also doing for but not for common tests, but i do hope that we'll be able to spend some time together. friendships are precious. yar? :P

i need some balance in my life.

i'm such a fool.

you say i twist your words. but i merely want you to see that even the top 10 unis may not be the best place to study whatever course i may wish to be doing. what kind of nonsense is it to say just go to top 10 then i pay for your higher education overseas? if you want me to study in Singapore and Singapore only, just tell me outright instead of beating around the bush and attaching conditions like must be top 10. first of all, i'm not smart enough to get into top 10. i understand the difference between reaching for my dreams and being realistic. and really, does rankings really matter if the university is a good one?

i don't mind studying in Singapore but can you understand the competition for certain courses? of course not, seeing that when you went to NUS, you didn't need that high a grade. let's see, what did you get? yup, what you got won't allow you to enter my kind of course nowadays. i doubt you'll even be able to study there. sounds mean? i'm just annoyed that you say you'll support me in where and whatever i want to study-- so long as it's top 10 for overseas and for local unis. this higher education studying is just completely irrational and irritating because i'm forced to think about it even before i attempt my A levels, leaving me with the option of questioning my own self worth and ability far more than should be required. forget it, the best option i have now is to get into a course of my own choice at the local universities, preferably with a scholarship attached because i won't want you to start complaining about paying even my local uni fees. throw in a bond too so that i'll have an immediate job. but seriously, i highly doubt any organisation will be willing to give me a scholarship or whatever competitive course because i'm not doing fantastically well. so why am i even thinking about all of this and getting so worked up for??? and don't start with the "you chose your options (arts) so don't complain" as if i want to study medicine or engineering.

yes, unfortunately, discounting my slightly low self esteem and not great grades, i'm wondering if i'll have to go overseas anyway because not even the local Us will have me. sometimes i wish all those smart people will drop dead. i shall start working harder AND smarter. but believe me, hard work isn't the garauntee for good grades. i shall not go into another rant, suffice to say that as long as i get my 4 As (which is haha, laughably hard) i shalln't have to worry about my options. anyway, i shall just go ahead and apply to overseas universities if the teachers ( like my teacher advisor) feel that i can make it and inform you in due course when i see fit.

do you know there's going to be a subscription fee for Straits Times Interactive (STI)? i'm quite annoyed by that because i like backtracking issues and it's great for first hand updates for football leagues. this sucks! oh, and they should just put the barclay highlights earlier so i don't have to wait until midnight to catch some football action. i need SCV.

and i realised i'm very concern with higher education options. must be the stress and the school piling on the "better work hard or you regret it" kind of feeling. anyway, better start thinking about what to put in my personal statement.

and yup, for the issue that i was thinking about so much that i thought i would go mad, i finally figured it out. and suddenly it doesn't seem like that big a deal after all. i wonder if that's a good or bad thing.

want to buy a pair of black cargo pants. want to spend a day shopping but i realised that i might not be able to finish my 5 essays if i do. does that mean i have to like do one per day to complete it besides studying (not really studying since i need to go through stuff like stats and NIA cos for subs like econs i have no idea what we were doing for the first 3 months, i was there for tutorials and lectures but i'm so unclear about everything it's not funny) i've already got plans for thurs, fri and sat... and no, they don't involve lotsa fun, but at least fri and sat are going to be for interest sake, lectures on Singapore and the region. quite exciting for me. ugh. sad life. don't worry i know how to have fun. :P

... what march hols?

hmm... i'm updating quite regularly. know why i'm online? i'm waiting for 2 people to come online so that we can discuss our S paper history question before our presentation on thursday. do you know that i think we're all going to DIE!!!

*screams* can you see that i'm panicking!!!

other than the fact that my heartbeat is WAY faster than normal, i think i'm fine, thank you.

OMG!!! or as my sister would say ONG!!!

i find this quite disturbing because normally i'm not that emotional online.
okay, i've calmed down. somewhat.

perhaps it helps telling someone, lucky thing Natalie was online. and no, it was about something else and not the S paper. thanks for trying to be so optimistic for me girl. i hope it comes about as you say it may happen. you're sweet. but right now, i'm feeling like it may not be very possible. we'll see in time shall we?

Just feel like getting down on my knees and praying for a miracle.

Happy Birthday to A53 ( 5 march man! let's go get a cake) , Sharon Quek (otherwise known as real weird, haha), and DT (otherwise known as King).

i know it's been a few days or so but i was so happy that i just wanna share with you what true happiness and high is.

think a combination of chocolate, wine, and for me, peanut butter. that was the true extent of my high. and it wasn't even artificial high. it was real honest to goodness high. and it continued at least for a while the next day. actually, quite a long while. and i'm really happy. compared to last year, what i have now is so much more than i could ever have expected.

met Eileen in town on thursday. wanted to go shopping with her for gifts and the like but she had some scholarship talk thing so we only managed to meet at 6 plus and just eat dinner. still, i just really miss her and it was really great to talk with her again. we must go out again! after dinner, went to visit DT at work and give him his present. (i'm so nice right) talked for awhile, then continued walking around town, also trying to get a pair of drumsticks but didn't manage to find one pair i liked. picky picky.

As results on friday, they kinda shocked me. perhaps it was even bigger of a reality shock than hearing about scholarships and knowing you can't get them. it worried me because i know i do my work. it kinda works this way, if you're working hard and still don't get the grades, compared to you're not working hard, but you know you can get the grades, well, there's a difference isn't there, it's obviously more worrying. read it over again if you didn't catch it. so yup, i'm definitely worried. and if i actually do manage to do well, i'll worry that it was a one time fluke. haiz. and the thing about working hard and studying is that it really isn't much fun. and it is harder getting As in Arts. all those essays. dang.

i have alot of things to worry about. how unfun. i know some stuff will sort itself out and i know i shouldn't be worrying so much, but well, unfortunately, that's my nature. how stressful. and how boring my blog seems to be now that i'm almost always complaining and talking about schoolwork.

something interesting then. going to watch Romeo and Juliet tomorrow with some classmates. finally something relevant to literature that was tested in the O levels. and yes, i'm bringing Brownies, and no, they've got no nuts, cos Quek doesn't like nuts. funny, cos she's a little nutty. see how nice i am to people. all bow to the great one. me, not Quek. i'm much greater than her. okay, going a wee bit mad here.

and yes, after all this time, the feeling still hasn't gone away.

it's been just a day ago that i blogged. perhaps there really is something to be said for the addiction of the blog? in any case, my mood's not doing any better and has began to turn frightfully sour.

it's so hard not to be painfully aware of yourself and your surrondings in this day and age. even though you try not to be sensitive, you just can't help wondering about the stares people throw at you when you walk pass them. a fleeting glance, and when their eyes focus on you for more than the required/usual time, i sometimes feel like cringing. under scrutiny from forces of which i was never formally associated with? sometimes i throw back a heck care, even contemptuous look to make them turn away, but most of the time i choose to look away. those are the days when i feel like i should be invisible.

i have a slash across my palm, a thin pale white line that will fade away by tomorrow. i'm fascinated by it, strangely enough. i wonder how i came to have it?

i feel so lost these days. so upset over things beyond my control. some things are simply not progressing fast enough. others are whirling by before i even have time to contemplate. i think i need retail therapy. music can only do so much to help me.

sometimes i feel like i have such a huge ego.
sometimes i feel so insecure.
sometimes everything's a paradox.

since my sister has decided to take a nap, i have the computer and have free rein over the internet! wahahahaha! long live naps.

past few days, have just wanted to give in and sink into an utter state of stone-ness and just forget about everything. really, i just wanted to let all my homework go to wherever happy place homework go to. (come on, don't you think they deserve to be happy? after all the misery they bring a person) maybe if homework were happier, or happy things, they won't be so mean to us. and i'm talking rubbish again.

if the school thinks giving us scholarship talks and talks about overseas education is going to give us a wake up call, i say it worked. for all of a few hours. basically, it scared the shit out of me when i saw all those high flyers and weirdos who CAN actually get a scholarship. i mean, i would love to get a scholarship, but realistically speaking, i doubt so. seriously. my lit will always be a pathetic D grade and i'll be lucky to pass the rest of the other subjects. i can't look for the deeper meaning when doing lit and i have no idea what the other subjects are doing because even though i'm physically present in lectures, i'm mentally counting down the minutes. you know how they changed the clocks so that it's all digital nowadays? yup, that's how i count down.

at the end of the day, do i see myself get 4 As/Bs? no. it's true, isn't it, that going from sec school to jc is so much easier than jc to some form of higher education.

don't stress. it's so much easier to say that, while knowing that you're not even getting solid Cs. guess this will all work itself out somehow.

i must say that even though some things may not turn out the way we want and we fail to appreciate what we have, please, just take a moment and be grateful. because what you have and do not consider as valuable, may be to others the world. certain things in life are so unexpected, but i just want to assure you that i'll always be there for you when you need me, and it's no cliche when i say that you'll have a shoulder to lean on. i hope in time things will turn out for the best.

and even though you may feel that you're at your lowest low, keep those dreams alive.

in the same way, i'm trying to keep my dreams alive too.

i may not be fantastic in my studies but i believe in hard work.

of course, hard work may turn out to be nothing in the end, but when i realise that it really isn't working and go all cynical again, well... that's another story for another day.

for now... peace out!

love you so so much my friends